Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Next Steps

Hi Friends.

I've been on a blogging break. It wasn't an intentional break, but I decided to put blogging on hold for a minute while I catch up on other things in my life. I've still been reading your blogs, but not commenting, which I feel bad about because I love when people comment on things I write. I was reading on my phone and it's a piece of crap so commenting was a long drawn out process. I always thought "Oh I have to remember to go back and comment on Amber's post from my work computer...." but that never happened. So sorry about that.

I did my first IUI in August. I got pregnant. I felt it. I had hot flashes and waves of nausea. My milk almost completely dried up. (Yes, I'm still nursing Paloma 1-2 times a day. She's crazy for the boob!) Even though it was way too early, I started daydreaming about baby #2 and even thinking about baby names. And then, one morning I was travelling for work with a co-worker (who luckily, is also a close friend) and I started bleeding. I was trying to call the clinic but my phone was dead. Needless to say, my meetings for work that day were not very productive. I had only been pregnant for just under 2 weeks.

Have you read this post by A Mothership Down?
"And those few days were nice, weren’t they? The planning. The imagining. The (guarded) celebrating. We always knew it was too early to really relax with you. We knew the faint line signaling your existence might just as easily be gone tomorrow. But oh, the hopes that come forward anyway. How can they not?"
Like Liz, I'm glad we knew. 

And then a whirlwind happened. After I lost the pregnancy, Andino and I both started to flounder in an immense wave of all those hard emotions that we swam through during the years it took to have Paloma. We both started to worry if we had the strength to go down that road again. We argued and stressed and felt sad. And then, we agreed to adopt.

I got a rush whenever Andino and I made arrangements. I emailed the social worker who did our homestudy and emailed the Ministry to set up a meeting. I got in contact with an adoption agency and read all my favourite adoption blogs while looking for new ones. South Africa has a great program right now. Very stable and the kids are only about a year old when they come home.

You guys know how much I want to adopt. I feel it in my bones. I know it's something I am meant to do. I can picture meeting my son for the first time (in my daydreams it's always a boy I adopt.) I know I have what it takes to wait the 2-3 years to complete the adoption process.

What I don't have is $30,000.

It's so incredibly frustrating that it has to come down to money. But for a young family like ours, we just don't know how we'd get all that money. It feels impossible.

So I agreed to try IUI again. We still have 2 more samples left. If I'm still not pregnant when those are gone, we'll look into adoption again. It felt like the right thing to do financially. But not in my heart. Don't get me wrong, if I got pregnant I would be so happy. But in a perfect world, I'd adopt my next child and then go back to the IUIs 5 years from now to try for a third baby. But we all know this isn't a perfect world.

So that's what's been going on in my world lately. I'm at the tail end of my two week wait but I don't feel pregnant this time. I'm going to Honduras in November with my non-profit, so I'm not sure if I will go right back and try again, or wait until I get back from Honduras. I'm not sure if it's a great idea to be in such an early stage of pregnancy while travelling.

I hope I'm not gone so long before posting again. Sometimes I think about retiring The Gypsy Mama because I never wanted to be a Mommy Blogger. But this blog isn't that. It's just my personal blog and I write about what's going on in my life, which is usually about motherhood, but hopefully about more than that too...

13 comments:

  1. Awwww Erin. I am so sorry for your loss and for the struggling emotions that come with it. TTC sure does take the wind out of our sails, doesn't it. Just the tone of your writing in this post vs. a couple posts ago is so telling at how much IF/TTC/loss takes away from all of us.
    I will keep you in my prayers as you try and navigate through these next couple months. I hope you are in fact pregnant with a sticky bean, even if you don't feel it this time around. Big huge hugs.

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  2. I'm so sorry you had to go through that... no matter how early, a loss is a loss, and it's devastating.

    I'll be honest, I just cannot imagine a world in which you don't adopt - you've been so sure of that being your calling for so long! And what a beautiful calling to have. I know that is a staggering amount of money and it seems impossible but I do think what's meant to be will find a way. Just like how I never in a million years thought we'd be able to afford IVF but then we did. Sometimes these things work out in unexpected ways, and I do hope that's what happens for you.

    Blogging, eh, I know how you feel. I've just resigned myself to the fact that I will be posting less for the foreseeable future but I'm not ready to give up yet. And I think if anyone ever called me a "mommy blogger" I'd be offended. We're just lifestyle bloggers!

    Even though you're not feeling it this time, I really hope this IUI was successful! Fingers crossed and big hugs for you, friend.

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  3. Oh no I'm so sorry. I too know about the hope, the dreaming, etc. Big hugs lady.

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  4. I'm so sorry about your loss. That quote you posted is the best way to describe the emotions you go through during that time.

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  5. I'm so sorry you lost your pregnancy and went through all the other feelings. I hope adoption does work out for you somehow; it sounds so right for your family. But you are right there is much we can't control. I'm thinking of you and hope that the blog continues to be a safe outlet.

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  6. Hugs to you, friend. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, the hope and excitement and then the letdown. I've been terrible at commenting lately too, but I know everyone is still out there and reading and I've noticed that whenever someone is going through a hard time or needs support everyone seems to pop back up to offer that. I wish that adoption didn't have to be so expensive, since awesome folks like you and Andino would make such great parents to a lucky child. I honestly hope it happens for you someday.

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  7. I'm so sorry you lost the pregnancy. Sending virtual hugs.

    I think it's crazy how expensive adoption is. I think a lot more people would do it if it wasn't so cost prohibitive. I know exactly the frustration of money deciding what you do to build your family. My husband really wants to try IVF again and I just can't bring myself to spend so much money such a slim chance. It sucks that money is even a factor but I guess that's where we are. I really hope you are able to adopt someday and I truly believe you will find a way to make it happen.

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss, friend. :(

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  9. I know this calculation well. We had the resources to adopt once and I know how lucky we were. In the end, our second family-building option came down to money too. I am sorry for your pregnancy loss and also for the loss of your sense of choice about building your family. Both really really suck.

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  10. i'm so sorry for your loss and that you're in the shitty miscarriage club. I was starting to wonder when you went quiet for a very months, as I recall that happened with Paloma. I know the finanical aspect is so heavy, but I also know you're so resourceful, so determined, that you will find a way to make it happen. I see you adopting. There is a commerical for Zillow that features a couple buying a house and getting ready to adopt (it looks like and international adoption) -always makes me cry and makes me think of you! Take good care of yourself and your family during this time

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  11. Oh no. How awful to have all the feelings of sadness and unknown family planning to resubmerge. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I sincerely hope that your desires for adoption manifest in your future. Best wishes to you as you continue growing your family on all paths.

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  12. Ohhhh, what a crappy roller coaster ride you've been on. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you aren't able to jump into adopting like you want to. It really seems so unfair for all the children that have homes and families waiting for them, but money stands in the way. It makes me sad thinking of what could be such a blessing to so many, except for that darn thing called money. It's not right. Like Amanda said in an earlier comment, I cannot imagine a future without you adopting eventually though! It's been on your heart for so long and I truly believe your family will one day be complete.

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  13. Again I am behind and just catching up. I am so sorry to hear about your last pregnancy...although I never have lost a pregnancy I can easily empathize with that feeling of shattered excitement and hope. I wish adopting was more affordable, it doesn't seem fair that it's so expensive when there are amazing people wanting to love all those babies.

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