Thursday, 24 September 2015

One Too Many Irons In The Fire

More than a few people have told me that if my life isn't busy, I'm not happy. I've been called Speedy Gonzalez by many people (currently one of my nicknames at work) and I can't say I disagree. I often feel like I have one too many irons in the fire, but for the most part, the constant motion doesn't bother me. Of course, there are times (and especially in the early days with Paloma when I was learning how to be a Mom) when I call my own mother to vent because I'm feeling so overwhelmed, but those days don't happen often. She always has the same advice - try to relax and just follow your instincts. You know your baby best. Don't read things on the internet. I think I've finally learned to take her advice to heart. Thank God.

I've heard parenting be compared to seasons and I think it's a great metaphor. Right now, we are in an easy season with Paloma. She's almost 16 months. Andino and I have been parents long enough to enjoy the easier seasons while we are in them and know that the challenging seasons - long & short - eventually pass.

I'm so thankful Paloma is an easy toddler at the moment because holy moly do Andino and I have a lot going on. We do it to ourselves. We are both ambitious people and we fill our free time with our hobbies. Calling them hobbies feels like minimizing what they really are. They are the things we are passionate about. Andino's music and my non-profit. It is so much work running them. Andino's always applying for music festivals and playing shows and we are both trying to stay on top of social media and researching and reaching out to people and having meetings. We both have to travel sometimes (Andino throughout the year, usually for short stints and me once a year for a week+ )

I'm going to book my flight to Honduras today. I will be flying into San Pedro de Sula the first week of November. I haven't even 100% decided how many days I'll be staying yet, but it will be about a week give or take a few days. We are having one last fundraiser before I leave and we are currently trying to sell tickets for that. I've been in regular contact with the organization in Honduras we are supporting, trying to arrange things, while also researching future partnerships and funding opportunities (of which I've found none...) I need to write a blog for my other website, now that I've finally got the new site looking half decent.

On top of all that stuff, our house just sold the other night and the posession date is November 15th. Which means Andino will be solo parenting for the first time, while also trying to pack to move and also working full time. The timing is definitely not ideal, but such is life.

Did I mention I'm on day 2 of clomid and we are still going ahead with the next IUI? Why not? I considered taking a break, but honestly, an IUI is really not much work compared to IVF and all the other things we've got going on.

So I may be absent again for a little bit, but if you want to follow my work in Honduras, please come visit me at www.mamas4mamas.ca I haven't written a blog there yet, but hopefully will start tomorrow.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Next Steps

Hi Friends.

I've been on a blogging break. It wasn't an intentional break, but I decided to put blogging on hold for a minute while I catch up on other things in my life. I've still been reading your blogs, but not commenting, which I feel bad about because I love when people comment on things I write. I was reading on my phone and it's a piece of crap so commenting was a long drawn out process. I always thought "Oh I have to remember to go back and comment on Amber's post from my work computer...." but that never happened. So sorry about that.

I did my first IUI in August. I got pregnant. I felt it. I had hot flashes and waves of nausea. My milk almost completely dried up. (Yes, I'm still nursing Paloma 1-2 times a day. She's crazy for the boob!) Even though it was way too early, I started daydreaming about baby #2 and even thinking about baby names. And then, one morning I was travelling for work with a co-worker (who luckily, is also a close friend) and I started bleeding. I was trying to call the clinic but my phone was dead. Needless to say, my meetings for work that day were not very productive. I had only been pregnant for just under 2 weeks.

Have you read this post by A Mothership Down?
"And those few days were nice, weren’t they? The planning. The imagining. The (guarded) celebrating. We always knew it was too early to really relax with you. We knew the faint line signaling your existence might just as easily be gone tomorrow. But oh, the hopes that come forward anyway. How can they not?"
Like Liz, I'm glad we knew. 

And then a whirlwind happened. After I lost the pregnancy, Andino and I both started to flounder in an immense wave of all those hard emotions that we swam through during the years it took to have Paloma. We both started to worry if we had the strength to go down that road again. We argued and stressed and felt sad. And then, we agreed to adopt.

I got a rush whenever Andino and I made arrangements. I emailed the social worker who did our homestudy and emailed the Ministry to set up a meeting. I got in contact with an adoption agency and read all my favourite adoption blogs while looking for new ones. South Africa has a great program right now. Very stable and the kids are only about a year old when they come home.

You guys know how much I want to adopt. I feel it in my bones. I know it's something I am meant to do. I can picture meeting my son for the first time (in my daydreams it's always a boy I adopt.) I know I have what it takes to wait the 2-3 years to complete the adoption process.

What I don't have is $30,000.

It's so incredibly frustrating that it has to come down to money. But for a young family like ours, we just don't know how we'd get all that money. It feels impossible.

So I agreed to try IUI again. We still have 2 more samples left. If I'm still not pregnant when those are gone, we'll look into adoption again. It felt like the right thing to do financially. But not in my heart. Don't get me wrong, if I got pregnant I would be so happy. But in a perfect world, I'd adopt my next child and then go back to the IUIs 5 years from now to try for a third baby. But we all know this isn't a perfect world.

So that's what's been going on in my world lately. I'm at the tail end of my two week wait but I don't feel pregnant this time. I'm going to Honduras in November with my non-profit, so I'm not sure if I will go right back and try again, or wait until I get back from Honduras. I'm not sure if it's a great idea to be in such an early stage of pregnancy while travelling.

I hope I'm not gone so long before posting again. Sometimes I think about retiring The Gypsy Mama because I never wanted to be a Mommy Blogger. But this blog isn't that. It's just my personal blog and I write about what's going on in my life, which is usually about motherhood, but hopefully about more than that too...

 
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