Saturday, 16 May 2015

I Can Do Hard Things

A few weeks ago, Amanda wrote about her word for the year and I thought it was an amazing idea. When I read about her tradition, I knew I wanted a word for this, my 30th year. At first I thought it would be confidence, in the sense of having the confidence in myself and my choices to not let negativity get to me any more. I discussed it with Andino, and he suggested the word conquer instead, as in to conquer that part of my brain that lets in the negativity, but also to conquer my dreams... or at least to keep chasing them. I loved it, so that's what I've decided to go with. I'm starting out my thirties on a mission! 

One of the biggest challenges I will have to conquer this year will be when I go back to work in August and Paloma starts daycare in June. (She won't be going full time until August, but I have to start taking her in June & July so she can get used to her new caregivers.) It's not that I wish I could be a stay at home Mom forever, I just wish I could have more time with her. I'm sad to think of her spending the majority of her waking hours away from me because this has been the absolute best year of my life and I guess I'm just not ready for it to be over. I love taking her to activities like swimming, music class and story time and seeing how she takes it all in. I love watching her meet new friends at the playground- her confidence and boldness make me proud. I love to watch her play independently on the kitchen floor while I make supper, stopping every so often to hug my legs. I love being there for her when she falls and cries and I lift her up and she instantly feels better. Obviously, there are hard days too. Well, more often than not, there are a few hard hours in otherwise wonderful days, but difficult moments are a part of life not exclusive to parenting. I'm just not ready to let her go yet and I told my Mom that a couple weeks ago. She kind of laughed, looked at me and said "Honey, you will spend the rest of your life letting go of your children far, far before you're ready..."  Truer words were never spoken, Mom.

It's going to be so hard to let her go, but I keep telling myself over and over that I can do hard things. 

Part of what makes me feel slightly better about going back to work is the knowledge that if I want to have more kids (and I definitely do) I need to work in order to earn maternity leave again. I've always dreamt of having 3 or 4 kids (Andino says 4 is out of the question) and I want to try to make that dream come true. That being said, Paloma brings so much joy and happiness to our lives that if more kids are not in the cards for us, we wouldn't be devastated beyond repair, as I would have been had I never been able to become a Mom in the first place. 

Going back to work & having more kids... weaning Paloma is inevitable. I still haven't gotten my period and I think I'm going to have to wean her entirely before my fertility returns. She's at the point now where I really only ever feed her at home. No more whipping out my boobs in Restaurants, Cafes and the Farmer's Market. Paloma is (finally) a fan of solid foods and they make up the majority of her caloric intake now. At this point for us, nursing is as much (if not more) about the comfort it provides her. I still nurse her a few times throughout the day, but she very rarely asks for it. I just do it because I still want to keep my supply up. I have been pumping and freezing so that when I do wean her, I can still give her breastmilk for another month or so. I think I could cut out all the daytime feeds now with hardly any protest. The hard thing is going to be at night. I love having that tool in the middle of the night to quickly put her back to sleep. The boob has never failed to put her back to sleep in the middle of the night within a few minutes. It won't be fun when I finally cut out all of the middle of the night feedings and I have to get up out of bed and stand up and rock her back to sleep when she wakes up. I am going to have more than a few rough nights, but from what I hear many babies tend to sleep better once they know they aren't getting boob in the middle of the night anymore. A cup of  milk just isn't worth waking up for. At least that's what I'm hoping, anyway...

I told Andino the other day that I feel like I am growing and changing and maturing every month right alongside Paloma. I love it. My 30th birthday was April 1st and that's when I made the goal to stop letting the negative energy of others bring me down. I felt like it was going to be such a huge battle because I've always been affected that way and I didn't know how I was ever going to change that. But now, only a month and a half later, I feel confident I am going to be able to conquer that goal. I can go back to work and leave Paloma at daycare, even though it's going to make me cry. I can wean her, even though it's going to make me sad. I can do hard things. 

8 comments:

  1. I love this idea and think this is a great word! May the transition coming up be a smooth one for you all.

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  2. Wow, it's been so amazing to "watch" you and Paloma grow through the blog! I love your attitude. Mainly eating solids: what a big girl!!

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  3. You go, girl. You CAN do hard things. You've already done a ton of them!

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  4. Yes you CAN do hard things! I love the word you and Andino came up with. Conquer is a strong word I also love how self aware you are, that you ALLOW yourself to grow and mature right alongside Paloma. I admire that quality and you inspire me to try to do the same.

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  5. aww, you are still just a baby! :) I would love to have 3 kids but B is dead set on two only. Boo. I also have not gotten my period back and I'm sure it's because of nursing. We are still nursing pretty much on demand whenever little miss wants. Now that she's eating food she nurses less throughout the day though. I am definitely not ready to wean anyway. Loving nursing kinda snuck up on me, didn't love it at first although I was hell bent that breastfeeding was the ONLY option for us but now I do truly love it. I completely feel the same way as you about possible future babies...or lack of babies. I of course want another baby just as badly as I wanted Hazy but if it doesn't happen I will be ok. Sad but ok, Hazy has filled my heart.

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  6. I remember one of my elementary school teachers telling us not to use the word "hard", because it implies that something can't be accomplished. She said use "challenging" or "difficult" instead. I'm not sure if I've ever agreed, but I see her point. Sometimes life does play hardball. Here's to your year of conquer! :)

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    1. PS Conquer sounds like the start of a new Andino Suns song but maybe that's just me...

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  7. Hi, new follower here. We have a few blogging friends in common. My blog is private but I've added your email address so you should be able to see it now. Sensitiveginger.blogspot I love the idea of a word for the year. Weaning and going back to work will be hard, but necessary for the rewards of the next stages.

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