Saturday, 16 May 2015

I Can Do Hard Things

A few weeks ago, Amanda wrote about her word for the year and I thought it was an amazing idea. When I read about her tradition, I knew I wanted a word for this, my 30th year. At first I thought it would be confidence, in the sense of having the confidence in myself and my choices to not let negativity get to me any more. I discussed it with Andino, and he suggested the word conquer instead, as in to conquer that part of my brain that lets in the negativity, but also to conquer my dreams... or at least to keep chasing them. I loved it, so that's what I've decided to go with. I'm starting out my thirties on a mission! 

One of the biggest challenges I will have to conquer this year will be when I go back to work in August and Paloma starts daycare in June. (She won't be going full time until August, but I have to start taking her in June & July so she can get used to her new caregivers.) It's not that I wish I could be a stay at home Mom forever, I just wish I could have more time with her. I'm sad to think of her spending the majority of her waking hours away from me because this has been the absolute best year of my life and I guess I'm just not ready for it to be over. I love taking her to activities like swimming, music class and story time and seeing how she takes it all in. I love watching her meet new friends at the playground- her confidence and boldness make me proud. I love to watch her play independently on the kitchen floor while I make supper, stopping every so often to hug my legs. I love being there for her when she falls and cries and I lift her up and she instantly feels better. Obviously, there are hard days too. Well, more often than not, there are a few hard hours in otherwise wonderful days, but difficult moments are a part of life not exclusive to parenting. I'm just not ready to let her go yet and I told my Mom that a couple weeks ago. She kind of laughed, looked at me and said "Honey, you will spend the rest of your life letting go of your children far, far before you're ready..."  Truer words were never spoken, Mom.

It's going to be so hard to let her go, but I keep telling myself over and over that I can do hard things. 

Part of what makes me feel slightly better about going back to work is the knowledge that if I want to have more kids (and I definitely do) I need to work in order to earn maternity leave again. I've always dreamt of having 3 or 4 kids (Andino says 4 is out of the question) and I want to try to make that dream come true. That being said, Paloma brings so much joy and happiness to our lives that if more kids are not in the cards for us, we wouldn't be devastated beyond repair, as I would have been had I never been able to become a Mom in the first place. 

Going back to work & having more kids... weaning Paloma is inevitable. I still haven't gotten my period and I think I'm going to have to wean her entirely before my fertility returns. She's at the point now where I really only ever feed her at home. No more whipping out my boobs in Restaurants, Cafes and the Farmer's Market. Paloma is (finally) a fan of solid foods and they make up the majority of her caloric intake now. At this point for us, nursing is as much (if not more) about the comfort it provides her. I still nurse her a few times throughout the day, but she very rarely asks for it. I just do it because I still want to keep my supply up. I have been pumping and freezing so that when I do wean her, I can still give her breastmilk for another month or so. I think I could cut out all the daytime feeds now with hardly any protest. The hard thing is going to be at night. I love having that tool in the middle of the night to quickly put her back to sleep. The boob has never failed to put her back to sleep in the middle of the night within a few minutes. It won't be fun when I finally cut out all of the middle of the night feedings and I have to get up out of bed and stand up and rock her back to sleep when she wakes up. I am going to have more than a few rough nights, but from what I hear many babies tend to sleep better once they know they aren't getting boob in the middle of the night anymore. A cup of  milk just isn't worth waking up for. At least that's what I'm hoping, anyway...

I told Andino the other day that I feel like I am growing and changing and maturing every month right alongside Paloma. I love it. My 30th birthday was April 1st and that's when I made the goal to stop letting the negative energy of others bring me down. I felt like it was going to be such a huge battle because I've always been affected that way and I didn't know how I was ever going to change that. But now, only a month and a half later, I feel confident I am going to be able to conquer that goal. I can go back to work and leave Paloma at daycare, even though it's going to make me cry. I can wean her, even though it's going to make me sad. I can do hard things. 

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Photo Update

Periodically, I delete all the photos that I've posted on my blog. I figure no one is really reading the old posts (and if they are, they could read them without the photos.) I just don't like the idea of a tonne of my personal photos floating around. Today's post is going to be mostly photos of what we've been up to over the past few weeks because I don't have time to sit down and write a cohesive post. 

Starting from the most recent:

Taking the dogs for a walk with Paloma in the stroller instead of the wrap.

The day I took this photo was a shit show. I was planning on doing a Day in The Life post and was taking photos and keeping record as my morning progressed. I threw in the towel around 3:00 because I couldn't even deal with the day anymore.

I made a double batch of whole wheat sweet potato pancakes (on top of the toaster oven) WHILE PUMPING. And I don't even have a hands free pump!! I resolved to stop nursing Paloma to sleep on this day so she can be ready to nap at daycare. Baby girl was SO UPSET about that change. There was more crying on this day than since she was a newborn. It was so hard, but thankfully we are on the other side of it now. At 1:10, I realized my house was being shown (we're selling) at 1:30 and it wasn't ready yet. I never got so much done in 10 minutes in my life! I could write a whole post about this day, but since I'll probably never get around to it, this while have to do.

We get a local/organic grocery delivery and whenever it arrives, Paloma gets excited to see what's in the box. On this day, I had my back turned to her while I was making supper and I turned around to see she was chomping down on a tomato and pear.


Andino took the dogs and Paloma for a walk a little too close to bed time and she fell asleep on the drive back. He brought her inside and took advantage of the opportunity to snuggle. 

A trip to the Museum with her friend B. They were born on the same day! I met B's Mom during our prenatal classes and ran into her at a coffee shop when the babies were 5 months old. I always find it kind of awkward making new Mom friends, but it's great to have other women to hang out with, especially during Maternity leave. We've hung out almost every week since then!

Just hanging out with her cousins

Hiking with Grampy 

Big smiles for Nanny

Reading with Grampy

Nanny made her an amazing birthday cake! It contained only natural sugar and no food colouring. 

Opening early birthday presents from Nanny and Grampy

And now for some bullet point updates:

The weather has been amazing here the last few weeks. Today it was 26 (Sorry Americans, I don't know what that is in Farenheit) but it was super hot. I got sunburned on my cheeks even though I was only outside in the sun for 30 minutes. I am disappointed in myself for not wearing sunscreen. I have been making a big effort to take care of my skin over the last few years because it's showing signs of sun damage. I think most of that is from travelling, but still... 

I'm participating in David Suzuki's 30 x 30 challenge. Basically, you commit to being outdoors for at least 30 minutes a day for the whole month of May. Seems easy, but sometimes you get so consumed with day to day activities that it's not so easy to set aside 30 minutes to enjoy nature. Obviously, today I chose the wrong time and got sunburned. 

I'm planning Paloma's first birthday. I know it's cliche, but really, where has the time gone?! 

Paloma has been sleeping much better. The night before last, she went to bed at 7:30 and didn't wake up until 2:30 and then came into bed with me and slept until 6ish. Not all nights are that good, but a great improvement from waking every 2 hours (or more!) a month or so ago. 

My next post is going to be my 100th post. What should I write about?
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