Monday, 13 April 2015

Letting Go

I've been thinking lately about how, in order to accomplish certain things, I have to let others go. 

It's not possible to have it all and do it all, all the time. On the days that I use my free time (when Paloma takes her little naps) to work on things that are important to me career-wise (mainly studying French) that means I'm not using that time to exercise. I may be able to exercise later when she takes her next nap, or when Andino gets home from work, but then I wouldn't be able to sit down and read a book, or do housework or whatever. I need to learn to prioritize and organize so I don't feel like I never study French or I never have time to myself to relax. And every day, I need to be okay with getting done whatever I can and not worry about the things that didn't get crossed off my never-ending to do list.

I think I've become pretty accepting of the days that I didn't get around to washing my face, but I accomplished other things that I felt were important. I just make sure the next day I pamper myself a little more. Maybe do a face mask or paint my nails and it all balances out in the end. Where I struggle is accepting that in order to be the kind of Mom I want to be, that means I need to accept - and ideally be okay with - the fact that there will be people around me who don't agree with the choices I've made and to some extent, judge me by them.

In order to be the kind of Mom - no, the kind of person - that I strive to be, I have to let go of the need to feel accepted and liked by everyone. I've always wanted to be a confident person who makes no apologies for their personality & beliefs and is fine knowing they aren't everyone's cup of tea.  Especially now that I'm a Mom in my 30s, this is something I really want to focus on. I want to be that strong, confident woman whose feathers don't get ruffled when someone makes off-hand comments. But how do I get there?

I've made choices - Andino and I have made choices - on how we want to raise our daughter. Someday soon she will be able to make her own choices and of course we will encourage and embrace that, but for now, we are calling all the shots. I totally get that some of our choices may seem crazy to people who have chosen to do things differently, but I have a hard time when I feel judged. I interpret their judgement as if people look at my daughter and feel like her Mother is not raising her right. Like Paloma is hard done by. I imagine them thinking their choices are superior to mine and it really hurts my feelings. I feel like I deserve not to be judged/criticized since I don't do that to others. I'd like to think I was never a judgmental person, but ever since becoming a Mom, the saying different strokes for different folks has never held more meaning.

To make matters worse, I have been worrying about worrying. That's pretty ridiculous isn't it? I don't want to be worried around Paloma all the time because I don't want her to absorb that energy. Now, more than ever, I have a reason to stop worrying - because I want to set an example for my daughter. Obviously I know that worry is a human emotion that we all experience, but I need more balance on the worry scale.

Why can't I just own my choices? Why do I care what others think? Will I ever be so happy and confident that no matter who says what, negativity just rolls off my back?

3 comments:

  1. So first off - you are doing great! really!
    I am not sure where the judgement you talk about is coming from or what it is about exactly. All I can say is that, in my experience, the remarks or judgments that hurt the most are the ones that touch on my own insecurities. Perhaps I've been going back and forth on something and I think I've made the right choice, but I'm not sure. It's very easy for people to raise doubts in my mind (even unintentionally).

    One way that I deal with my own insecurities and the potential for others' disagreements is to state that I'm doing it one way now, but I reserve the right to change my mind in the future. I think it's important to recognize that circumstances may change and we may have to change our practices as they change. On the other hand in the moment we have to make choices and be consistent (especially as a parent!) Saying "I'm doing it this way now but may change later" both acknowledges the possibility of alternate points of view/practices while making it clear that for now, this is the way things are. I don't know if that will help at all, just a thought!

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  2. I can completely relate. It's hard to find time to accomplish everything we need/want to in a day. Yes, art of it is letting go and accepting. But part of it is also scheduling. Very different from before when it was just us.

    Wishing you all the best with this endeavor. And please share what works. I could use some ideas too.

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  3. Worrying about worrying. I do this all.the.time. I also worry more than I should about what other people think. It's hard to let that go and all we can do is keep reminding ourselves we are doing what is best for ourselves and our families.

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