Sunday, 21 September 2014

There Is No Pause Button In Life

Most days, when I give Paloma the benefit of the doubt  that she will be able to handle a situation without getting upset, she does great. Even when I am really nervous that things might go terribly wrong, (like I was for our first plane trip) she usually does very well. Usually, but not always. We have guests staying at our house tonight, so yesterday I had the bright idea to go to the grocery store during the 5:00 traffic jam. I knew that Paloma wasn't in the best of moods, but I'd just fed her and she'd just had a nap so I thought I would try to run out and grab the food I would need for the weekend. She hates her car seat and as soon as I pulled out of the driveway she screamed and wailed and bawled for 10 minutes straight until I finally called Andino and put it on speaker phone so he could hear her and I could get some sympathy for what I was dealing with. And then! there was a cop car next to me in traffic who put her lights on and I was so scared she was going to give me a ticket for using my phone while driving and my nerves were so shot from listening to Paloma cry in the back seat that I started to shake as I turned the car around and headed home. As soon as I was driving (instead of being stuck in traffic) Paloma stopped scream-crying and fell asleep. I don't know if it was the motion of the car or if she just tired herself out. Either way, I gave up on the groceries.

Being a Mom is so great and it's everything I thought it would be, including hard. Tonight, I am going to crawl into bed and just crash. I have no energy left to do anything else. This weekend has been long already and it's only 9:00 p.m on Saturday night. Andino and I have both been go-go-go all day today, making food and cleaning the house and taking care of the dogs and taking care of Paloma and entertaining guests and I'm not used to all the energy it takes to be a matriarch! It's not even like I'm running on no sleep here, Paloma woke up at 4 am and I Le Paused (Andino and I couldn't be more huge on Le Pause!) and she fell back asleep until 5:45 for a quick feed then we all went back to sleep until 7. I'm just tired from how much harder it is to have a busy day when you are also taking care of and loving on a tiny baby! Because even the loving on her takes energy, doesn't it? I think of all the women I know who do it all and I just want to give you so much credit because today, I am tired.

Paloma needs me all the time and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being the one who can comfort her, I love making her smile, I love nursing, I love it all! But sometimes, I'd also like to take a long hot bath in the middle of the day and read a book for as long as I want without her waking up and needing me. And I wouldn't want to change anything about my life as a Mom, I just wish I could hit pause for a few hours. It's like when I was in Mozambique, and I wished so much that I could just pause this moment as I walked down this dirt road and teleport myself back home so I could take a hot bath, eat a home cooked meal by my Mom and sleep in a bed with a real, legit mattress. Then I could teleport myself back to the village rejuvenated and more ready to take on the challenges of living in a village with no electricity. To clean myself by dumping cups of cold water over my body and sleeping on the worst mattress ever in life under my mosquito net that kept falling on my face while I slept and to scorpions and bleached water and everything that was so hard but that I also loved because I was loving the experience of it all. I just wanted to hit pause for a day so I could collect myself. But there's no pause in life, is there? not in motherhood and not in any of the other awesome experiences that while being hard, are also so amazing.

But you know what? Going through experiences that are so hard but also so worth it make us grow. I'm glad I lived for 6 months in Mozambique without a grocery store or running water. Lots of people live their whole lifetime without running water and I always knew that, but experiencing it first hand made me appreciate (and conserve!) water even more. Going through infertility was so hard but it definitely made me grow as a person and for that part, I'm grateful. Motherhood is the same, there are going to be hard days but nothing worthwhile is easy, right?


  1. Well said! There are a lot of things that many of us probably won't miss about the first several months. Yes, of course "enjoy it because it goes by fast" as everyone tells you. It's so true. However, I do look forward to my baby just being able to hold his own head up so we can do more, and better yet, it will be kind of nice when they stop crying so much won't it? There are so many things about this age to love, but so many more great things to come once they become more self sufficient too. It's OK to feel like you wish you had a pause button from time to time. If you didn't, you wouldn't be normal.

  2. This post makes me smile because I am completely tired, but know that there's not going to be a moment to rest for a few more hours. Like you, I adore my kids and treasure each moment with them. But it would certainly be nice to have some "Me" time (and work doesn't count).

    I'm reminded of running analogies, where people talk about getting to the second wind. The first one is painful, but as soon as you hit the second, your body adjusts and you find it's easier. Maybe the first couple of years is the first wind, with the second kicking in later.

  3. I totally understand! I've felt exactly the same way. I have no idea how so many women seem on top of it all with multiple kids. I only have one, and it seems that I'm never through my to-do-list before something is added on to it!
    PS If you ever discover any Super Mama Powers, you have to let me in on them ASAP. :)

  4. Oh YES PLEASE! I want that pause button sometimes myself. Ayden hates road trips. Anything longer than 45 minutes to an hour and he scream cries, but at that point we are almost to our destination so we just have to endure the 15-20 minutes of crying even though it breaks our heart! It's all definitely worth it, but sometimes it would be so nice to just be able to lay our heads on a pillow and not have to worry about anything for a little bit. You've had some amazing experiences in life. I am in awe of your being able to experience Mozambique

  5. What a lovely post. It is hard. But you also know how worth every moment is...even the hard moments. xoxo

  6. I could definitely use a pause button. I get sleep now, but I am still sooooo exhausted. It is just go, go, go all the time. Worth it, but so hard. I feel sometimes like I am barely keeping up and it looks so easy for other people. I'm sure I just see the good parts (thanks to Facebook) and it isn't really easy for them at all. I always have to remind myself of that. I also have to remind myself to not compare myself to parents of singletons.
    I loved Le Pause. I was doing it before I read the book - mostly because I was too tired to jump out of bed the second a baby cried. I think it definitely worked. We have great sleepers who can (mostly) put themselves back to sleep when they wake up. Love Bringing up Bebe. I also loved French Kids Eat Everything. I guess I'm going with a whole french parenting thing. :)


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